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January 05, 2007



'Innocent' Catholic is condemned to suffer serious torture & punishment initially consisting of removal of the eyes without benefit of anesthetic and, consequently, forced to wear horrible robotic contraption that administers electric shocks on an hourly schedule.

Francis DS

A cheap North American was observed pretending to be a Bolivian peasant so he can get free eye service.


The REAL reason behind the "cult o' Jimmy" ... those crazy hypnosis goggles!


"I think I'll opt for the inter ocular implants"

Mary Kay

"...and I have one in brown, and black, and navy..."

(although I have to admit that I like but bifocals and trifocals are sooooo limiting)

Thanks for the bright start to the day!


How dare you make fun of that man wearing that patterned tie and a mismatched striped shirt! This man is obviously fashion impaired! How insensitive of you. Would it be funny if you posted a photo of yourself? ...Oh wait...forget it


Lasik? We don't need no stinking lasik!

A. Williams

21st Century Films presents....

Jimmy Akins, Arnold Schwarzenegger,
Tina Turner and Jackie Chan...in..


directed by Ron Howard

Storyline: (year 2045)

After spending 25 years locked in the Lutheren theological Library by his envious and evil brother Hans 'solo scriptura' Hendrik, Little Jimmy longs to be freed from his evil bonds. In his theological torments he so thirsts for a grain of Catholic truth that he 'McGyvers' a pair of binoculars from empty cans of diet'coke', and succeeds in glimpsing a single page of the new Catholic Catequism, read through the open window, 8 blocks away by Miss Penelope Pinwikkel (Tina Turner). Unfortunately, Miss Pinwikkel was only reading the table of contents at the time...and so little Jimmy had to satisfy himself with a 5 second view of the 'imprimatur', which left him speechless for the next 5 days.
thereafter.... He was later freed by a Vatican sent brigade of SSG (Secret Swiss Guard), wherein he was awarded by the Pope (Arnold Swarzenegger)for his fortitude and constancy, and was instituted as an extraordinary minister of the Eucharist at his local St. Br. Juniper(recently canonized) Catholic Parish.

Coming soon: The Mask II: JIMMY ELECTED POPE


A. Williams; Wait! You forgot Jackie Chan! And I was SO looking forward to the combo of Jimmy/Jackie. Perhaps they could work in some square dance moves in the fight scenes.

Now I REALLY want to join the JA personality cult.


The price may have been right, but won't they affect your square-dancing?


Now I really believe that God can create good things out of bad.
Can I join the JAPC? Do I have to be Texan, dance squaredancing and wear a sombrero?

paul zummo

It's true that advances in technology usually makes things smaller, but these new opera glasses are wicked awesome. Check out the pipes on that tenor - literally, you can see the guy's vocal chords from here.


That, sir, is a down-and-dirty Photoshop hack job.


That photo is fake but accurate. Fauxtography worthy of AP or Reuters .... or Dan Rather.

John E

After years of complaints on the ever changing strike zone, Major League Baseball unveils new robo-umpires.

Brett Cooper

Then he looked at me with those puppy dog eyes.

James Isabella

Wow, these new fusion powered View-Master glasses are AWESOME!

John E

Techno-geek Jimmy Akin unveils his prototype opera glasses of the future.


Introducing the new Sony Watchman!


Hey doc...are these uh, my new glasses?

John E

Holy Father, His Eminences and Your Excellencies, Ladies and Gentleman, I would like to introduce the Director of Apologetics for Catholic Answers.....Jimmy Akin!

James Isabella

Secret Project #4 finally revealed!


And if you think my glasses are cool, you should see my hearing aid!!


Oh no!! Jimmy is not upholding the high catholic blogging standards that have been set by true evangelical catholicism!!!

A. Williams

"A. Williams; Wait! You forgot Jackie Chan!"

..Oh, yeah..
scene 3:

While Jimmy continues to lose weight due to his reluctance to eat the salt-laden Doritos and non-organic spinach dip, which make up the bulk of his meager diet, the evil Bishop Rev. Herbert Joseph Lee, S.J.(Jackie Chan), sends him gifts of MSG laden chow mein and soy sauce, wrapped in rainbow colored neoprene disposible containers,with little rainbow colored fishes on them, to both pick at his nerves and tempt his sensitive appetite. Apologetically refusing to savor such morsels, he accepts the neoprene containers, tainted as they are with such blatant 'lavender sub-culture' symbolism, and with firm purpose of mind, melts them into the core structure of his self described "super catechetic-optigoggles".

In time, and with much strain of mind, eyes and heart and also subdued and biologically burdened with trace amounts of 'Aspertame', accidentally absorbed through his Nordic skin via un-authentic or fraudulent 'coke'-- he was able to finish reading the entire jacket cover of the Catequism, over a 6 month duration of time--for which he will never have enough gratitude or adulation to the Most Rev. Joseph Cardinal Fessio S.J.? of "Ignatius Press".


Apologist Jimmy Akin, of Catholic Answers fame, has developed a revolutionary soul-reading device which promises to bring the sacrament of confession into the new millenium.


All Churches to expand the size of their confessionals to accomodate the new device.


"Hey, Grandma! Those are pretty big eyes for you...to have! (And have! And have!)"


"Hey, Grandma! Those are pretty big eyes for you...to have! (And have! And have!)"

Heh. Coincidentally, just today I cited "Little Red Riding Rabbit" in my review of Happily N'Ever After.


Man Claims to be Love Child of Galactus/Little Orphan Annie.


Oh, sure! Now we're making fun of the misfortune of orphans! (Not to mention Wabbits!)

Fr. Erik Richtsteig

"What do you mean I can't wear my cowboy hat with these new glasses?!?"

John E

Jimmy Akin prepares for cameo appearance in the Phantom of the Opera by singing the slightly misheard lyrics of Masquerade:

Metallic faces on parade...
Hide your face,
so the world will
never find you!

Every face a different shade...
Look around -
there's another
mask behind you!

Burning glances,
turning heads...
Stop and stare
at the sea of smiles
around you!

Grinning yellows,
spinning reds...
Take your fill -
let these spectacles
astound you

Tim J.

SDG, "Little Red Riding Rabbit" is a CLASSIC in our house.

You can often hear one of us saying something like "That's a lot of ice cream for you... TO HAVE!"

Or "This is for your Mom... TO HAVE, SEE?".

My little girl does a great rendition of that "five o'clock whistle" song that the girl sings.


A. Williams --

Those are some awesomely funny posts you've got going there! My curiousity is very much peaked as to how things will ultimately turn out in that movie! ;^)

I like especially the first post where you actually had Schwarzenegger as Pope!

But, can Schwarzenegger actually say "Zucchetto" as skillfully as he is able to say "California"???

By the way, you ain't aimin' to take over SDG's job, are you???? ;^)

God bless!

David B.


Lay off the crack and stop using humor to promote your movie reviews. ;-)



How dare you make fun of that man wearing that patterned tie and a mismatched striped shirt! This man is obviously fashion impaired! How insensitive of you. Would it be funny if you posted a photo of yourself? ...Oh wait...forget it


Actually, in my first post here, I was thinking of a caption where the Fashion Police had actually seized Jimmy and had now punished him to a life where he would wear robotic goggles the rest of his days in order to decipher just exactly what is fasionably sensible from what's not; all the while, he would be wearing some aweful outfits himself which he would be condemned to wear for all eternity! ;^)

All in fun -- God bless! ;^)


"Hmmm ... NOW I see."


A natural extension of his profound respect for fiber, Mr. Akin has finally unveiled his all new "fiber-optic" reading glasses

--fully equiped with an automatic text to speech reader.


"No, it is HE who will eat US!"


So that's how you search the web for photo captions!


"what's the frequency Kenneth?"


A. Williams; that's much better, but we still need a little action!

caine thomas


I think it's horrible how you so blatantly dismissed the humanity of a poor, elderly woman by replacing her image with a picture of the cult-leader that runs this blog (and controls the hearts and minds of his sycophantic followers).

Please restore your good name by apologizing to that woman, the original photographer, people who expect truth in imagery, AND all good Christians everywhere.

It's one thing to laugh at someone's appearance, but at least then you're acknowledging their existence! Shame on all of you for this monstrous debacle.

I happen to like M&K's website and blog. And I don't think they smoke crack. However, after yesterday's eruption ,a little medicinal marijuana may not be a bad idea...

Dr. Eric

I hope every one is satisfied now.

Maybe Jimmy should only post photo caption entries of himself in variously wacky disguises and/or situations. That way no one else is offended. *rolling eyes*

How about Jimmy water skiing in one of those 20's full body swim suits.

A. Williams

A. Williams --

"Those are some awesomely funny posts you've got going there! My curiousity is very much peaked as to how things will ultimately turn out in that movie! ;^)"..

"By the way, you ain't aimin' to take over SDG's job, are you???? ;^)"

No Esau,

I'm just from California, where a lot of 'awesomely funny'stuff happens!--both in and out of the Church!

But....since you asked how the movie 'turns out'..I'll give you the epilogue:


After being liberated by His holiness, Pope Arnold I, from his dungeonous captivity in the bowels of the Lutheren Theological Library/bi-gender bishops retreathouse, as mentioned, Jimmy was honored to be instituted as one of 6 extraordinary ministers of the Eucharist at St. Junipers Catholic parish.
Moreover, as his eyes were ever turned upwards, towards spiritual heights and glories, and especially with the use of his patented(US#1554888733) Optigoogles (R), following in the tradition of his idol/mentor, his awesomness Pope Benedict XVII (fka.His emminence Cardinal Arinze, predecessor to Pope Benedict XVIII, Jimmy applied for the elevated post of institued Lector at St. Br. Junipers. However, because the parish council concluded that after 25 years in such close proximity to 1.2 million authentic Lutheren works and titles, the which mere sight of could possibly sub-consciously contaminate his ability to properly enunciate the readings in a "Catholic" way...remember we're talking about AD 2045 and some parishes have changed for the positive since 'anti-reformation' days..Jimmy needs to focus his attention on aspiring towards a different calling, that of "instituted acolyte" at St. Br. Junipers.
At this point we need to realize two things. First, Jimmy is a multi-Billionaire, which, of course is due to his effective patenting and marketing of 30.5 million half plastic, half aluminum iOG's, or iOptigoggles, sold in bulk to Apple Inc., wherein they outsold the iPOD 5589x by 2 to one in the very same year! Moreover,these iOptigoggles were downloaded with every Vatican document and writing, from every pope elected, since the turn of the millenium, except for Pope Arnold I, who prefers to write only on the benefits that athletics and steroids serve for a healthy spirituality. And after Pope Arnold's Vatican Soccer league, coached by alcolyte Tarcisio Bertone(He was demoted by Pope Benedict XVII, first to Deacon and then to Alcolyte, and then to Alter Server,....for not paying attention to his religious duties, thinking only of Vatican athletics!),did so terribly in the World Cup finals, by losing to Ave Maria Republic by 12 goals...no one in the world wanted to read anything more from Pope Arnold I. That was the turning point in his carreer and popularity! But before this, his 7 terms as governor of California, until age 113, were exemplary. And he always attributed his longevity and good health to the steroids!

Another note on Ave Maria Republic. In joining the Billionairs club of 2045, Jimmy also recieved an honorary chair from the governing board of Ave Maria Roman Catholic Republic, located on the isle of what is now formerly remembered as Puerto Rico. As the 51st. State of the Union, Ave Maria Republic(AMR) is now the mother country, and spiritual capital of all independent Ave Maria cities thoughout the world, which now number 385, excluding the 178 non-authorized cities in the Communist Republic of China, who still claim to be the most anciently established of all the Ave Maria citadels. But as everyone knows, the authentic 'original' Ave Maria,at Naples, Fl., is conserved as a museum, of the likes of "Graceland" or the "Hillary Clinton library", and recieves over 15 million visitors each year. ..which is almost as many visitors as the tomb of the converted, confessed and properly catecized Bl. Michael Jackson recieves every year!! The Ave Maria University was somewhat scandously transferred to Puerto Rico by the late Bl. Monaghan, in 2035, which caused some 117,350 lawstudents enrolled there to lose their credentials, necessitating further studies, and tuition expenses in the province of Puerto Rico. fortunately, after the inclusion of Ave Maria Republic into the USA, everything was reconciled, even as prophesied by the converted and confessed Benny Hin, who although returning to the Catholic faith and ever denouncing the Charismatic movement as a complete sham, never the less has made some outstanding prophesies come true, one of which was the point spread on the above mentioned soccer tournament, which brought the down fall of Pope Arnold I.

After Pope Benedict XVII was elected, there were other Benedicts to follow, before the election of Arnold I. Pope Benedict XVIII was formerly his emminence Joseph Cardinal Fessio S.J?, who republished every work of the Vatican Library to be studied by all the Ave Maria cities and countries of the world. He also mandated that the current pope, that is, himself, and his successors, would be the perpetual leader of the Jesuits for all time. From that year forward the Jesuits received no less than 3,285,600 vocations every year, and growing!! Furthermore, The reverend Cardinal Fessio was unanimously voted for by a conclave of 167 Cardinals, all born and raised on the aformentioned Carribbean Island, which is now a Republic, but with all 4 Cardinals from Los Angeles being conspicuously absent from the conclave....

Now do you understand why THE MASK Part II: JIMMY BECOMES POPE is so terribly predictible???


Oh ya! Oh ya!

Sorry that was just me doing a victory hand pump since it was MY IDEA!!! Yah!

Jimmy, when do we get M&K photoshopped in?

Nate Wildermuth

"So colors DO exist..."


I'm stilled pumped! My first CHT!

Tim J.

Congratulations, Curious. "You've taken your first step into a larger world".


Custody of the eyes for the 3d Millennium....


Obviously, A Williams wants to be a screenwriter, not a critic. Less competition for me!


"Even with my new specs, I still can't make any sense out of Fr. O'Brien's column!"

Mary Kay

Curious, you owe me a new keyboard AND monitor. (busily wiping up spewed water)


"The future's so bright, I gotta wear shades."

The most frightening of the Aztec gods: Quetzobifocal!


Heeeyyyy, I said I wanted to wear a shiny HAT and be king of all Londinum.


Jimmy, I think your new captions are even funnier.

As I tell my kids, self-deprecation is the safest and most successful form of humor.

I ought to know... I have alot to deprecate!


A. Williams:

That was some pretty imaginative stuff you've got going there! Thanks for concluding your work!

Seriously, though, do you actually think it's wise to have Jesuits running the Vatican??? ;^)

God Bless!


Don't be silly, Curious. It's not actually Jimmy's idea. SDG photoshopped it and no doubt The Cult of SDG forced Jimmy into it for their own cruel pleasure.

I, for one, will not stop until Jimmy cries enough to fill a ten-gallon hat. MWAHAHA!

*I hope you know this is a joke. Please do not sent the cowboy boot-wearing albino assassin after me.*


Please do not sent the cowboy boot-wearing albino assassin after me.


That was the FUNNIEST comment I've read yet! Thanks!

caine thomas

Does everyone who joins Opus Dei get one of those?


Even with their advanced eye-gear, reporters were not able to see the truth at Qana last year...



If they're completely orthodox like B16 and Cardinal Arinze, I'd have almost anyone running the Vatican. It's not the intelligence so much that's dangerous, but the ideology. If they're not in tune with all the saints and popes throughout our history, they're dangerous! Better someone truly faithful, but a little slow on the intellectual side, than a very smart progressive, bordering, or crossing to the heredical side!

Al Wiliams

sorry, heredical..."heretical"



I look forward to more of your imaginative posts!

Though, you could be a little more profound in thought (*wink*) since, clearly, what you've written cannot rise to the level of literature! ;^)

*inside-joke / in reference to Jimmy's previous literature post*

(I almost feel like Conan O'Brien where I might need to explain every aweful joke I have! And since they're mine -- talk about AWEFUL!)


As for Jesuits running the Vatican, if it's Father Mitch Pacwa, that'd be fine with me.

Tim J.

"It's not the intelligence so much that's dangerous, but the ideology."

See, that's the thing! In both our politicians and our clerics, it seems we are always looking for good "administrators" or good "managers", when we ought to be looking for people of character.

We've been "administrated" into the ground!


cutting to the heart of the matter with new technology, Jimmy Akin declares that exactly 1,500,456,234.999 angels can dance on the head of a pin.



Okay, I could put this on my cafepress.com site (www.cafepress.com/hyperkinetic) but it's not my image (Jimmy Akin, SDG, and some photographers own its component parts) and it ain't about me, so you'll have to just settle for a virtual T-shirt. Look deeply into his eyes and you'll feel as though you had it on ... right ... now.


This was just a bit of comic relief. I don't plan on doing much of this silly entertaining in the future. It's a little too much like a Catholic themed version of Robin Williams... and his style of comedy isn't really much to my liking. Anyway, I'll comment, as usual, according to the general mood and themes developed on the blog. Some more humorous, some more serious. But thanks for the welcome!


Oh, forgot the name.


Man I wish Ray-Ban would go back to a simpler style

tiber jumper

Modern form of self flagellation

Brent Brown



'Mr. Jimmy Akin decides to upgrade his glasses into something more...modern and metallic and...sophisticated and...robotic and..'

John Redcorn

Stultus Numero Infinitus Est


Jimmy has been assimilated...
... into working for National Catholic Reporter

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