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July 28, 2006


Jared Weber

I like it. Strangely enough, I've often wondered what might happen if backward time travel were possible and someone got the chance to try what the Terminator was trying.

This is all the more interesting (to me, anyway) in light of the conversation I had with one of the actresses from MadTV (on a totally unrelated film) last month. I guess it's off-topic but, she seemed shocked to meet an actor who actually lived by Catholic principles (particularly the Church's sexual ethics). Shocked, but then touched when I told her that I loved my wife enough to wait for our wedding night and that we'd always know that we were the one God had planned for us to have from the beginning.

I believe the next word out of her mouth was "Aw." You know, the "Aw" that means "Wow, that's really cool/sweet/romantic."

Anyway, she seemed like, although she didn't profess Catholic beliefs, she had respect for them nonetheless. So, it's cool to see the little nod to the believers at the end with the line, "He'll be back."

(And before I get accused of name dropping, I was only an extra on that film, which is one step BELOW cockroach to most people in the industry, but it pays better than selling appliances.)

Ok, I'll shut up now.


You're right, Jimmy - it's not perfect, but given on how much worse it could have been given it was MadTV, it was actually done well. I especialy liked the "Pontius Pilate at 10:00!" line. And I won't give the reference - readers will just have to watch it.


"Stop killing Judas!!!" LOL!!!!


Ok, can we now get a transcript for those without audio and/or video?

Gosh, I hope this blog doesn't turn into one of those mostly-video blogs, like Michelle Malkin's. It's even more frustrating than being told about secret projects that are never revealed.


I'm going to try to answer my own question. Is this the transcript?:

Arnold Schwarzenegger - Bryan Callen
Jesus Christ - David Herman
Wise Man #1 - Phil LaMarr

On the screen we see a clear night sky filled with stars, one in particular being very large and bright.

TV Announcer: Unto this world, a child is born.

Camera pans down onto a small village. We see that the date is December 25, 0000. There is a strange kind of lighting is zapping around in between two small buildings. Suddenly the light forms a large silver sphere. A naked man hunching over appears and the sphere disappears. The man stands, and we see that it is Arnold Schwarzenegger. AS scans The Three Wise Men, who are coming towards him, and finds one man wearing a robe in his size.

Wise Man 1: Enjoying the night air, my brother?

AS: Your robes -- give them to me.

WM1: I come bearing many gifts, but I assure you my robes are not among them.

AS: What are you? Some kind of wise guy?

WM1: Well, actually -- yes!

AS punches WM1 in the face.

TV Announcer: He's back! Arnold Schwarzenegger is the The Terminator in "The Greatest Action Story Ever Told!"

We see AS again, now wearing WM1's robes, scanning around for Baby Jesus. He sees a sign on one front door that reads, "No Vacancy," and another that reads, "Gone to Nazareth."

AS (Putting on sunglasses.): Asta la vista, Baby Jesus.

We now see that it is 33 years later, and the full-grown Jesus is preaching to a bunch of people after handing out food.

Jesus: Alright, alright, settle down. Did I make enough? Good.

AS enters from behind J, carrying a gun.

J: Back to my sermon. Blessed are the --

The crowd screams at the sight of AS, and scatters. J turns to AS.

AS: Get down!

J ducks, and AS begins shooting soldiers.

AS (Offering J his hand): Come with me if you want to live.

J: What are you doing?

AS: They were going to arrest you.

J: I know.

AS: And crucify you.

J: It's supposed to happen.

AS: What are you? A glutton for punishment?

TV Announcer: In the beginning, there was Arnold.

AS and J are seen walking and talking.

AS: I'm a cybernetic organism; living tissue over metal endoskeleton. My mission is to protect you.

J: I appriciate your concern, and I realize you've traveled a great distance. But there's a plan, a master plan even, and I can't explain it to you now, but you must, you MUST stay away.

As J finishes his sentence, AS targets the soldiers, and aims to shoot them. As he pulls the trigger, J points the gun towards the sky, and the soldiers are saved.

J: And you cannot go around killing people!

AS: Why?

J: Because it is one of God's Commandments; thou shalt not kill.

AS: Why?

J: Because it is a sin.

AS: Why?

J: Because it's not nice!

AS: Why?

J (to God): Forgive him, Father. He is a robot from the future.

TV Announcer: Thou shalt not miss this movie. Now, come, witness the miracle!

We now see J and his Disciples at the Last Supper.

J (Standing): Brothers, my time with you is almost over. But for now, let us eat.

AS bursts in. He scans the room, finds Judas, realizes he will betray J.

AS: Eat this!

AS shoots Judas.

J: You just don't get it, do you?

AS: You have been targeted for termination.

J: I already told you! I'm supposed to die for the sins of mankind!

J brings Judas back to life.

AS: I'm programmed to protect you.

AS shoots Judas again.


AS: But he's going to betray you.

J: I know! Look, look, I've got a LOT on my mind right now, and you're REALLY starting to stress me out, OK? OK?!

J brings Judas back to life again.

AS: Pontius Pilate at 10 o'clock!

Everyone turns, and AS shoots Judas again.

J (Going for AS): Give me that thing!

TV Announcer: This Christmas, the meek shall inherit the action.

We now see the bottom of the cross, with J crucified on it, being dragged along, and people crying. A soldier moves, and we see AS standing next to an old woman who's crying.

AS: Don't worry, he'll be back.

AS puts his arm around the old lady, who begins sobbing again.

AS: What?

TV Announcer: Terminator Three! The Greatest Action Story Ever Told! Bless this film.

The end.


JohnD - Yep!

Ann Margaret Lewis

I'm laughing so hard I can't breathe.


Ryan  C

After that last line I want to see the Terminator say: "If Christ is not risen, your faith is in vain."


I thought it was funny. Plus, what a great analogy! The Terminator starts off as a guy who sees Jesus as a Wise Sage with good ideas (you know, an agnostic "Christian"). But at the end, he accepts Him as a Saviour. :)

Dr. Eric

Just another reason that Time Travel will never be possible. Sci-Fi Fans, get over it! :-p

Jared Weber

Ryan: He kinda does say that. At least that what I read into his subtext with his last word ... "What?" As in, "Hey, He said He'll be back so stop crying! What, you don't believe Him?"

Maybe I'm reading too much into it.

Jared again

By the way, anyone else notice that the actor playing Jesus, during the Judas scene, puts his thumb and middle finger together just like in some Eastern iconic depicions of Him?


I've always wanted to write a fanfic where, every so often, some guy calling himself the Doctor shows up in Nazareth and starts ranting at Jesus. Companion after companion stands there looking really embarrassed and apologizing to Mary and Joseph.

And then one time, the Doctor has to stand around looking really embarrassed while the companion rants at Jesus.... :)


I must be more old-fashioned than y'all.


Jimmy, I found this funny.
But I asked to myself : is that OK with catholic views on the use of God's name ?
I suppose that the answer is yes, you wouldn't have posted it if not.
However, aren't we supposed to use the Holy Name with great respect?


My attitude is this. They're going to do it anyway, and it could have been a lot worse. I would never think of doing this kind of borderline blasphemy, but it offends me a lot less than the people who have tried to contend Jesus was gay or that ala Duh!Vinci Code he was getting it on with Mary Magdalene.

Irreverent this is but in an impossible comic scenario.

Definitely on the border. Not worth much excitement. IMHO.


Do none of you have an issue with our culture's appropriation of violence as an accepted medium of humor?


what? says, "Do none of you have an issue with our culture's appropriation of violence as an accepted medium of humor?"

Perhaps, but to my mind it is further down the list of priorities than say the actual violence that our culture produces and at the top of that list is the mindless variety of violence, a type that is increasing and in some cities has the same effect as terrorism.
And I would say that neither the cart nor the horse is in front with respect to the actual violence and that which is depicted in movies, games, and comedy. They are going down the road side by side and the reason is an underlying moral problem that has been dubbed by JPII as the culture of death.
The root of that moral problem is a spiritual problem that began a long time ago and is bearing fruit now.


I think this is in a grand tradition of taking two wildly different things, stitching them together for comedic effect, and being darned successful in the result. To be successful, such a chimera *must* treat each different thing seriously and respectfully, or the comedy will fizzle. Such a chimera also creates its own little unreality bubble, within which it must work things through with internal consistency. As an exercise for the class: imagine a similar scenario with the Terminator trying to act as a bodyguard for *Mohammed*. Discuss.


We perhaps no longer need to wonder what was part of His humiliation as Jesus made His way to Golgotha, nor need we wonder much what broke Mary's heart as similar hilarity entered her ears. South Park was on the way to Golgotha, and apparently, it still is. The question must be asked: Is nothing sacred?

Jared Weber

"what?": That portrayed violence is different from real violence (as mentioned) is a given. Please explain why you find staged violence as humor to be so wrong. I am genuinely confused.

Honora: MANY episodes of South Parks are offensive, yes. (Others eps, on the other hand, are actually quite friendly to our positions. Have you ever watched some of their commentary re: abortion or sex-change operations? Decidedly on OUR side of those issues.)

But, Honora, this discussion has nothing to do with South Park. This is a MadTV sketch. And a very good one at that. The Jesus character in the sketch is neither humiliated nor poked fun at in any way. Quite the contrary, He actually converts the Terminator character to a belief in the Resurrection ... something which few if any of the early Christians (The Virgin Mary being a likely exception) believed, as is evidenced by their being surprised by the resurrected Christ.

But the question remains, how did South Park get inserted into this debate? And what, IN PARTICULAR, is so offensive about the sketch at hand. No one has offered any concrete examples yet.


Actually, the sketch contained a lot of truth in it, albeit controversially presented.

The disciples didn't 'get it' when Jesus tried to explain what must happen to him. Didn't He rebuke Peter for thinking as man does?

There was nothing blasphemous or heretical in the sketch. It was funny and 'irreverent' without over-stepping the mark.

Jared Weber

Addendum: My post should have read, "Quite the contrary, He actually converts the Terminator character to a belief in the Resurrection ... something which few if any of the early Christians (The Virgin Mary being a likely exception) believed UNTIL IT HAPPENED, as is evidenced by their being surprised by the resurrected Christ."

Jared Weber

Something else just occurred to me whilest posting on this at Curt Jester. The Terminator character in this sketch is basically St. Peter with a gun (not a sword) and sure knowledge of the parties resposible for the Passion AND the courage to not deny the Man.

It's really a testiment of faith that even a robot from the future could come to such a rock solid belief in the God-Man after only one meeting with Him.


Exactly Jared:
the opponents of Jesus certainly brought out the violent side in His disciples. James and John wanted to call down fire from heaven and Peter cut off the ear of the high priest's servant. Jesus always reproved them for this attitude as is shown in this film.


How dare anyone satirize Jesus or any of His followers? How dare any Catholic uphold such assinine entertainment? Why is JESUS being toyed with? Think about that.

Since nothing is sacred, perhaps we might each satirize a grandmother or a family member of any age, perhaps a little child -- perhaps the one who suffered the tortures of hell with cancer. There must be something funny in that, too, yes? We could do it up really cleverly, after all.. hey, it's all merely entertainment, right?

The clueless South Park mindset that puts Jesus in a boxing ring with satan OR puts Him in a video with Ahnold and expects chortling over man's pathetic low cleverness, is truly frightening, WHATEVER religion it is, because it strolls right through hell.


OK, so no problem with our culture's appropriation of violence b/c as, many several have commented, there is a disconnect between satirical violence in games, films, etc. and real violence, such as war, terrorism, street shootings and the like. Is not what you call the culture of death furthered by the consumption of violence as humurous? Does it not at the very least desensitise people to real violence? Is there not a relationship between say, Columbine, and violent video games, TV, etc? What exactly makes this skit "Catholic friendly" as it was presented? If Jesus was anything, he was a pacifist. I am not even Catholic, and one of the reasons I will not ever be is because of the blatant hypocricy apparent in so many of the reactions to the skit.

Had the skit depicted Jesus surrounded by stunningly beautiful half-naked women who wanted nothing more than to seduce him but then were converted by the "God-man" I imagine the reaction would not be so quick to laud it as "Catholic friendly." Would it? How about, gorgeous half-naked homosexual men for that matter? Why would sex be so much more of an anathema than violence. That's all for me and probably the last time I will read this blog.


"If Jesus was anything, he was a pacifist."

Tell that to the buyers and the sellers. I doubt they thought He was a pacifist as He was whipping them and driving them out of the Temple.


"I am not even Catholic, and one of the reasons I will not ever be is because of the blatant hypocrisy apparent in so many of the reactions to this skit."

So go find yourself a church that doesn't allow sinners in and see if they let you join it.

Jared Weber

Bill912 re: pacifists. My point exactly.

what? (if you're still here): Regarding why sexual representation in media is bad whereas violent representation may not be. It's quite simple. This is because one does not partake in the sin (for example) of the Terminator in the sketch whereas one would most likely committing the sin of lust (sexual fantasy aka "looking at a woman with lust" thereby "committing ADULTERY in [one's] heart") by viewing sexually charged media.

Jared Weber

One more note re: the "pacifist" Christ. One only need look to Christ's advice to soldiers on this. He never tells them to quit their jobs, which, if He were a pacifist, He would have.


"Get thee behind me, satan."

Which passage is that?

Jared Weber

Honora, what's your point?


Jared, my point is that followers of Jesus, Whose thinking which is way above ours we have to defer to, may sometimes have to annoy the world by saying, "Hey, this isn't right." What sort of jibes and taunts do we think went on as Christ -- bleeding, kicked, spat upon in OUR place as he crawled under 200 lbs of dead-wood -- something worse than Man's wisecracks? Something different than the callous humor He is depicted in nowadays? Truthfully: Would anyone run that video past John Paul II, or Mother Teresa? We have to move out from the box we think in, which is an American box. Same for violence. We're born into it here, it is in our entire history, so we see even the Lamb of God as violent. Whew..

In reply to "what?": You have good points. Please don't leave.

bill912, I just want you to know that I've often found your one-liners very comical.

Jared Weber

Honora: I'm sorry. I need something more specific than this. I don't see anyone offering SPECIFIC, concrete examples of why this particular sketch, which you don't seem to want to address, is wrong.

Also, regarding the Lamb of God: let us not forget one of His other titles ... Lion of the Tribe of Judah.

"Where is St. Michael of the monks of Buddha, rider and master of the trumpets, guarding for every soldier the honor of the sword? ... How would St. Joan of Arc, a woman waving on men to war with the sword, have fared among the Quakers or the Doukhabors or the Tolstoyan sect of pacifists? Yet any number of Catholic saints have spent their lives in preaching peace and preventing wars. It is the same with all the modern attempts at Syncretism. They are never able to make something larger than the Creed without leaving something out. I do not mean leaving out something divine but something human; the flag or the inn or the boy's tale of battle or the hedge at the end of the field."
--GK Chesterton The Everlasting Man

Dr. Eric


In your quote from Chesterton: You of all people should know that Buddhist monks are not all pacifist. How else did Wu Shu and its hundreds of derivatives come to be? Not to mention the hundreds of Hells in Buddhist mythology.

God Bless You,

Dr. Eric

Jared Weber

Dr. Eric: I see someone has been visiting my website.

Yes, you caught me. Or rather, you caught Chesterton. Although, in our defense, most present-day Buddhists DO claim to be pacifists. But, it's apparently not an agreed-upon tenant of their religion. Oddly enough, NONE of the Wushu practioners that I know are Buddhists, either; so it cuts both ways.

You bring up something else interesting as well. I've always wondered how Buddhists (karmic reincarnationalists that they are) can have ANY sort of belief in even one Hell, let alone the hundreds they have.

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